Banking tips
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The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.