Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
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ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Meeeee too!
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
[montage of me giving-up]
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals