After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
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Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough