ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
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Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
LOL!
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.