Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
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I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.