All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
You Might Also Like
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
My dating profile:
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.