Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
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Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
A completely valid reaction tbh
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby