I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
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For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!