Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
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Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.