the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
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[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Try and stop me.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.