Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
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It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”