“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
You Might Also Like
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
This could be us… but you playing
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!