Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
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My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
6. me as a lawyer
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”