The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
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Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
it must be school picture day
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”