Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
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*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.