I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
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When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Oh my god
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
we all know this pain all too well
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…