If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
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{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
titanic
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.