You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
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Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.