sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
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I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..