I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
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‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you