Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
You Might Also Like
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.