When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
You Might Also Like
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on