I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
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I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.