“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
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Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.