incredible book dedication
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I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Dolls on drugs
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.