Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
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You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
this makes me so uncomfortable
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!