I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
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*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Morning.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies