I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
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Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
tourist season
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.