GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
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god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.