I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
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If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.