My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
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My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
O Wise One….
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged