DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
You Might Also Like
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great