forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
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no cat here
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
channeling her this year
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’