[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
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shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
is this how new cars are made??
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.