God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
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“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.