If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
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dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I have a new favorite meme page
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.