Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
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Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.