any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
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mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what