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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
found this cool rock hiking today
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.