Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
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Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
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[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
kitchen magnet
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.