Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
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Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!