BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.