5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
You Might Also Like
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun