Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
You Might Also Like
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Why soy sad?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.