Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
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My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into