gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
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Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.