Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
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Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
There is wisdom there.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.