Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
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me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
A woman drives into a bar.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”