[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
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I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.