7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
You Might Also Like
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
This kinda thing happens to me often
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.